MISTAKES & BAD DECISIONS is an exploration of my experiences navigating undiagnosed autism in the context of intimacy and power. It started as a way to make sense of the toxic relationships I stayed in before I understood myself and before I knew that I struggled to make boundaries or communicate my needs or even process what I wanted. Before I knew I was autistic.
Since revisiting the project I realised that these patterns didn’t start in adulthood and that my earliest memories of gender and relationships were shaped by the understanding that I thought boys had more power. I wanted to be a boy and to be like a boy and be liked by boys and as a little girl I learned that liking boys wasn’t about attraction. It was about necessity. I thought being chosen would mean I was safe.
The work captures the scars left by those beliefs and by the ways I gave too much of myself to avoid misunderstanding, rejection and loneliness. It reflects moments where consent felt like compliance and where desire became obligation and where I lost my agency trying to fit into expectations I didn’t fully understand.
Undiagnosed autistic women are disproportionately vulnerable in relationships. Without the language to understand our experiences, we are more likely to endure coercion, manipulation and abuse. Studies show that 9 out of 10 autistic women experience sexual violence and up to 89 percent of autistic adults experience abuse in close relationships
